Sunrisers, the moment Maama Muhoozi released the results, I decided to review the whole mess, as you’ll see. Welcome to Uganda in the eyes of a wacky wild fella.
General remarks about results. The kids declined. Their results, just like the boys’ jeans on leavers’ parties and the girls’ panties on tour buses, were on a record low. In the recent past, S.4 students had never been this horrific result-wise. Janet’s first UCE results went against everything her husband stands for. The results were the mark of her own Kisanja #MuchezoKabisa.
What made these kids fail will be a mystery just like the Lochness monster. The Tank Man. Big Foot. Who stole my neighbour’s wife. And of course the whereabouts of Museveni’s hair. The heir, we know. This is not a typho. All these mysteries, we might never know, but theorists throw a little salt to them. I will try with these teens too.
First off, Mr. Daniel Obonyo said that, their major problem was spellings, tenses and grammar. Like this was a surprise! These kids spend all their time on Facebook, writing words “lyk dis”. They didn’t put an effort to proper English rules. They were so unlucky that UNEB didn’t set any question about Wizkid’s mysterious disappearance. Camera360. And of course pouting. They were also unlucky that there was no question about the 5-basic steps to sleeping with your campus boyfriend in a mall parking lot. None whatsoever.
What do some of these drooling seagulls go to schools for anyway? Pay money for fees, food and answer sheets and you embarrass the first lady? Do they ask for all those answer sheets to wipe the tears shed for having no answers?
Mr Obonyo further claimed that these kids were also failed by cramwork. Yes. True. They come here. Share all those stale whatsapp messages they found in their groups. That’s the point where the copy and paste embryo is implanted in your brain. Weeks later, it hatches into cramwork. The art of creativity and understanding your surroundings dies a still birth. Just like Diamond Oscar’s music career. Or his attempt at reviving it by showcasing aluminum bling-bling.
Teachers were also accused of failure to teach children proper use of lab tools and equipment. Who should be blamed? I will say two people. The Minister of Education and her husband, who-shall-not-be-named. Those lads wanted a pay-rise equal to a presidential handshake.
They were instead sent to rear pigs and other unclean animals. The kids suffered the results. This explains why USE schools performed so poorly that church mice giggled while clutching their chests when they heard the results. Pay the teachers. Promptly. Juicy-ly. Or else your USE program will fail so bad, you will wake up with an Afro, Mr He-who-must-not-be-named.
It was also reported that all sciences but Biology were failed flat. Flat like Judith Heard’s behind. Or my flat screen. Judith Heard die-heards, I apologize. Back to Biology, not all of us are blessed with big booty, so we need to either accept our fates or…. sorry, that wasn’t the point.
Why would anyone fail Biology? Isn’t this the subject that involves the reproductive system? Which daft kid would fail that? It’s like making a Facebook post with sexual content, you will have everyone’s attention.
Everyone, including the little guys in their panties. Or a Sheebah song/video with sexual innuendos. Who won’t call it the best? Or even go ahead and claim Sheebah is the best female musician in Africa? Only two people could say that. Sexcited people and people who smoke weed pipes of 7 outlets.
So, really. Why is it a surprise that teenagers responded well to a subject that taught them that it isn’t the umbilical cord where you insert? Or that periods aren’t a sign of the gods’ anger. Or that when you have sex while upside down you still get pregnant, despite rural myths.
For the 1,893 guys whose exams were retained, tough luck. May God and a bottle of Guiness comfort you in these trying moments. If you are atheist, may a girl with big booty twerk your pain away.
If you are a girl atheist, inbox me. I can plan a weekend get away for us. I know big people in the government. We can get your results back. On one condition which you find here on your arrival.
Just like Jose Chameleon’s attempts at hitting the top again, I hope you do better next time.